Filing for Divorce!

 

Yes, at 54, I’m filing for divorce. And no, this isn’t about grieving the end of a marriage—it’s a grief of its own. One that’s deep, complicated, and real.

Now let me just say it: this is my third divorce.

But here’s the kicker—it’s from the same man.

Crazy, right? I know. Totally crazy. Maybe even stupid. But at the time, each time, I felt like I didn’t have a choice.

The first time I married him, I shouldn’t have. The red flags were waving hard, but I was young, pregnant, and afraid. We fought on our wedding day—over how to cut the cake. He wasn’t by my side once during the reception, except to argue. That night, I had a panic attack, a full-blown asthma attack. He laughed and said, “Just stand at the window and breathe,” then turned over and went to sleep.

We divorced shortly after our daughter was born. He couldn’t handle the responsibility. That’s when the cycle started—manipulation, love bombing, gifts, apologies. He wore me down. I gave in. I remarried him. I told myself it was better for the kids to have a “stable” household. What a joke.

Then, in 2010—years later—I did it again. Third marriage, same man. Why? The same reasons. The begging, the tears, the threats of suicide and murder. The emotional blackmail. And now there were three children. Our youngest, a boy. I stayed, thinking at least he’d have a peaceful, stable life.

But the “changed man” act barely lasted a year. Maybe not even that.

In the process, I lost me. I gave up my needs, my dreams, my voice. My middle daughter got married at 17—driven by the dysfunction, the influence of a pastor, and a father who thought he knew best.

And now, here I am.

Age 54. Filing for divorce.

Again.

But this time, it’s final.

Not because it’s easy. Not because I don’t feel the weight of it. But because I finally know I deserve more than survival. I deserve peace.

Did something here speak to you?

Leave a comment if you feel moved, or simply sit with me in quiet.

If you’d like to walk this road with me, follow Nomadic Grandmother for new stories.

— x Elsabe